HOW TO EDIT A REALLY BAD BUSINESS MEMO

Poor business writing can leave employees with their eyes crossed.

     The following paragraph from a business memo cries out for improvement. How would you rewrite it? Think about such concerns as conciseness, subordination, verb choice, positive constructions, end focus, transitions, and the need for specifics. Also consider the tone of the document and the writer’s persona. If this were sent from the CEO of Giant Federal Bank to the company’s top executives, would the tone be appropriate? (By the way, although I have invented this memo, I have seen actual corporate writing that is this bad.)

It is incumbent upon all top-level Giant Federal executives not to underestimate low-level employees’ experience of understandable feelings of stress, which are not insignificant in these trying and difficult times. There is a need on the part of the Human Resources Department not to wait for problems to come to fruition in the workplace before undertaking more-than-minimal preemptive measures to prevent problems which are related to stress from emerging. The current distressing circumstances in the business world are not at all unusual, but instead a time when it is important for us all not to work separately on problems but as a team in fulfilling all our not inconsiderable responsibilities not only to our customers, but also those who are invested in our company, and of course not to mention the excellent people who work for us. The expectations that we provide our valued employees with great consideration demand much sensitivity on our part. It is with significant confidence in you all that the board of Giant Federal anticipates a successful new year that will not fail to exceed our expectations.

You might now try to spend a few minutes rewriting the paragraph yourself. I’ll wait. (Teachers: Have your students give it a try. They’ll usually do pretty well.)

THE PROBLEMS

You probably noticed most of the problems with the paragraph. Here are the most obvious:

1) Awkward negative constructions. Look especially at all the “nots”: “not to underestimate, “not insignificant,” “not to wait,” “not unusual,” “not to work separately,” “not inconsiderable.” Most negative constructions can and should be replaced by positive constructions.

Weak verbs can't carry a sentence.

 2) Weak verbs. Every sentence but one has some form of the verb “to be” (“is,” “are”) as its main verb. (The only exception is the verb “demand,” which is lost amid vague abstractions in the next-to-last sentence.) Sentences that begin “There are” or “It is” are often weakly constructed. Look for ways to make stronger verbs the engine of your sentences.

3) Wordiness. A long phrase like “it is incumbent upon” is just a long-winded way of saying “should.” “Trying and difficult” is redundant. “There is a need” is a wordy way of avoiding the simple verb “need.” “Not inconsiderable” is a phrase that really adds nothing to “responsibilities” and should probably be deleted. Several other adjectives also serve no real purpose. Always cut unnecessary words.

4) Weak end focus. Each of these sentences ends weakly, failing to emphasize its key point. Try to end each sentence with its main point or “nugget.”

5) Missing transitions. There is nothing here to connect one sentence with another. Usually, try, near the beginning of a sentence, to refer to something that was said previously in the paragraph (preferably in the previous sentence), then move the sentence on to its new idea. This is sometimes called the “known-to-new” approach to transitions. (Note: Obvious or unnecessary transitions can be heavy-handed, however, so try to make your transitions deft and subtle.)

6) Weak subordination and reduction. The main ideas of the sentences here are often lost in a fog of subordinate clauses, and minor ideas often get too much grammatical space or weight. Put main ideas in main clauses, lesser ideas in subordinate clauses or phrases. Some clauses or phrases can even be reduced to single words.

7) An utter lack of specifics. What kinds of “problems” does the memo mean? What kinds of solutions does it suggest? Always try to give specific examples to explain and support general statements or claims.

A mean or condescending tone undermines your writing.

 8) Inappropriate tone. Is it appropriate to call some employees “top-level” and other employees “low-level”? Is the Human Resources Department the only one responsible for employee morale? In the third sentence, is it appropriate to talk about employees almost as an afterthought, less important than customers and stockholders? Is the language here friendly, accessible, and encouraging? Is the syntax (sentence architecture) easy to follow and inviting? Is the “persona” (public impression) of the writer that of a friendly, encouraging CEO? Always consider how your readers will feel about the language and syntax you use, as well as the content of your message. In business writing, try to establish and maintain a “we’re all in this together” tone and, when possible, an encouraging, friendly persona.

     Here is one way I might rewrite this paragraph:

 

     In these difficult times, all of us at Giant Federal should recognize the stresses our employees are experiencing. All departments—with Human Resources leading the way—should anticipate stress-related problems in the workplace and take measures to prevent them. Employees worried about layoffs, for example, may try to undermine each others’ work or spread destructive rumors about their colleagues in order to increase their own chances of being retained. Each department, working with the advice of Human Resources, may wish to head off such problems by arranging a series of workshops and other events devoted to building a sense of teamwork, loyalty, and optimism among employees. To this end, the company will support weekly informal outings for employees—for example, to see a local baseball game or to have a Friday afternoon company-wide barbeque. Indeed, such stressful times call for all of us to work as a team in order to meet our responsibilities not just to our employees, but to our customers and stockholders. With that in mind, please monitor our employees’ feelings closely and sensitively. If we all do that, we can anticipate a successful new year.

     You can compare the original paragraph with the revised paragraph yourself to see the now-positive constructions, strengthened verbs, clearer subordination/reduction, and improved conciseness.

     I do wish to point out some of the transitional phrases, however, because I've not discussed transitions in previous posts. Here are some of the transitions in the revised paragraph: “for example,” “such problems,” “to this end,” “such stressful times,” “if we all do that”—all of these phrases refer to something earlier in the paragraph, helping to clarify the connections between sentences.

     Also note the addition of specific examples of stress-related employee behavior (undermining each others’ work, spreading rumors) and of possible preventive measures (workshops, ball games, barbeques).

     Finally, note the improved tone—especially the shift from “you should do this” to “we should all work on this.”

     We should all try to write business documents more carefully.

Well-written documents will make your employees happier.