THE “ONLY” GAME IN TOWN: Where you place the adverb can make all the difference

Adverb placement can be a matter of life and death.

     Can you see the difference in meaning between the first and second sentence in the following pairs?

a) I only kissed the red-haired girl.

b) I kissed only the red-haired girl.

a) I nearly drank six ounces of poison.

b) I drank nearly six ounces of poison.

a) I almost killed a hundred people.

b) I killed almost a hundred people.

a) I just implied that she is fat.

b) I implied just that she is fat.

     I can almost always tell merely competent writers from really first-rate writers by whether they pay attention to the placement of the words “only,” “nearly,” “almost,” and “just” in their sentences.

     Here’s the rule: Place the limiting  adverb “only,” “nearly,” “almost,” or “just” immediately before the word it is truly meant to limit; otherwise, your reader may misunderstand you.

Adverb placement will affect your relationship with the red-haired girl.

     Look again at the pairs of sentences at the beginning of this post.

a) “I only kissed the red-haired girl.” Here “only” limits the word it immediately precedes: “kissed.” The sentence is therefore saying that you kissed the girl, but you didn’t do anything else to her; you didn’t caress her, molest her, or chomp on her neck like a vampire.

b) I kissed only the red-haired girl. Here “only” limits the phrase it immediately precedes: “red-haired girl.” The sentence is therefore saying that she is the only girl you kissed; you didn’t kiss the blonde, the brunette, or the bald zombie girl.

a) “I nearly drank six ounces of poison.” Here “nearly” puts limits on the word it immediately precedes: “drank.” The sentence is therefore saying that you almost drank some poison, but you didn’t do any drinking of poison at all. No need to call Poison Control.

b) I drank nearly six ounces of poison. Uh oh. This sentence says you did drink poison—almost six ounces worth! You’re in for a date with the emergency room doctor.

a) I almost killed a hundred people. Again, the limiting adverb “almost” modifies the verb it immediately precedes: “killed.” The sentence implies that you didn’t kill anyone, necessarily. Perhaps your accident in chemistry class had the potential to be deadly, but no one in fact died.

b) I killed almost a hundred people. In this sentence, people are dead—nearly a hundred of them. Expect to go to trial.

a) I just implied that she is fat. In this sentence, you didn’t come right out and state that she is fat. You just implied it. (And I think you’re weaseling.)

b) I implied just that she is fat. In this sentence, the only thing you implied is that she is fat. You didn’t imply that she is dim, shallow, or diseased. Obesity seems to be your only fixation. [Note how the sentence changes yet again if you move "just" to immediately in front of "she."]

At this point, I hope you understand the rule from the examples. Let me repeat: Place the word “only,” “nearly,” “almost,” or “just” immediately before the word or phrase you actually mean to limit.

The next time you read on the sports pages that “The Knicks have only won 14 games,” you should know that the writer is almost certainly being careless with his "only." How would you fix the sentence? (Note: The context makes it clear what the sportswriter means, so his version isn’t a terrible error. It’s just annoying to us grammar Nazis.)

Which story do you think deserves a headline: “MAN ALMOST  EATS  AN ENTIRE CAR” or “MAN EATS ALMOST AN ENTIRE CAR”?

(By the way, there are apparently true accounts of people who have ground up automobiles and eaten them entirely. Grammar can’t compete with that, so I’ll end here.)

Did this man nearly eat 1,500 light bulbs, or did he eat nearly 1,500 light bulbs?